But i was sadly mistaken !

AU Revoir

She took another step.

The cold wind kissed her lips and a chill ran down her spine. She tucked tighter on her red kashmere shawl (the colour adding a touch of irony...which would have bemused her profusely any other day), its corner flapping away violently. As if holding onto dear life. As if imitating her state of mind. 

She took another step.

Looking ahead into the distance, her vision a blur, she tried to think of nothing but the task at hand, the effort of physical motion. But the mind wandered. Images flashed through her mind one after the other, like a stop motion film of her life. She saw a face...a face as perfect as a face can be...so pure and gentle and loving, a  twinkle in the eye, the disarming half smile, and then she saw it turn, saw him...the back of his head resting upon his shoulders (uncharacteristically bent she noted) and the rest of his body walk away...a piece of her broken heart....clenched in his fist...bleeding. She saw another face, a more familiar one...and saw it turn and walk away...another piece of her broken heart...clenched in her fist...bleeding. And another. And another...she saw them walk away....faces she had known all her life...faces of family and of friends....of people who had betrayed her. 

She took another step. 

Each seemingly heavier than the previous one. 

The wind, cold and hard, braced accross her smooth skin , taking away a tear or two in its wake. She could control nothing today, neither the images running in her head nor the emotions they invoked in her. She could not hide from the world around her...neither the pain they caused nor the strength it took to carry on...not anymore. She felt helpless as she had never felt before. It all came to her...twenty five years...all at once...like a gigantic wave determined to crash in her and leave her listless...to blow her away with it. 

The ground beneath her was hard and rocky, the land...barren. The setting almost perfect...but for the re-assuring sound from the distance...luring her to turn around. She cudn't have turned back now....neither did she want to....not now when she was only a step away (was she scared ? yes, terribly. n yet she knew she will go ahead with it, she was more determined than she was scared). She was but a step away from jumping off the highest cliff in the area. 

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

And she took the step. Her last one...off the cliff.

And as she plummeted down...a strange feeling took over. A feeling of complete stillness...a physical sensation of being absolutely still in space n time. And she saw her life being played out in a jiffy...to see  it as a film rolling backwards...see every moment of her life pass into the distance unknown (almost like standing in the middle of the street and seeing racing cars in infinite numbers fly past at insane speeds so u can only catch bits n pieces of their being). She felt weightless. And it was beautiful. 

A split second later she heard the sound of a loud crack. 

And the top sheet of water gave way...letting her reach its belly. The warmth of the sparkling water spread through her shivering body...soothing her nerves and feeding her heart. She felt her hands and legs again...and with a swift motion like that of a mermaid....she rose up to the surface. She opened her eyes to a different world...more like 'she' was the difference in the same world. 

The magic of the water (jus like they had told her) was such...that it took away her pain and her hurt. And even though she had imagined, that the magic would erase all memory of those who had caused her so much pain...she realized....in those few precious seconds...she had actually just magically learnt to "let go...to forgive...and to move on". And while the memory remained...it didn't seem to upset her as it did in the past. She felt alive and beautiful and incredibly light. As if a huge burden had been lifted off her chest...she could feel a renewed 'zing' to the rhythm of her heartbeat. She smiled...thinking of how much she had held onto in the past...and how petty it all seemed now. 

Smiling (her heartbreakingly beautiful smile)...she swam to the shore and walked towards life like a phoenix rising from the ashes, taking its first flight.

-x-

Please Note: 
1. This story is purely fictional and any resemblance to anyone dead or alive is purely co-incidental.

2. It is easy to 'let go...to forgive...and to move on' with the help of 'magic' in a fictional story....but real life is far more brutal. And True...it doesn't relieve the people who had caused all that hurt n pain of the responsibility of their actions...but that burden is for them to bear now. So forgive and move on...for your own sake. It is not impossible. All the best :-)

Is it NORMAL ?!!

Ive been struggling with this question for quite some time now, and the answers (well, as always!) seem to ellude me. So, is it normal - to catch on a train of thought...feel settled and comfortable....and yet want to get down at the very next station to board a train goin in the perfectly opposite direction. Hmm...it doesnt sound all that abnormal out loud...(i mean, not that i care for abnormality or even normality for that matter). Its jus the whole exasperation of the long n tiresome process....the calculations...speculations...the almost-carnage against pre-conceptions...against morality....influences...family...expectations...sanity...!! n then give it all up for a whiff of fancy...

Such are the games of the mind ! I can't help but want to agree - "death is peaceful, easy....life is harder..."

The Twin Evils !

Every man has two vrittis or instincts that are very powerful : one is fear and the other is greed. We have this deep fear of losing the things we have acquired in life - wealth, family, friends, relatives, job, prestige, position - lest any of them shall go away from us. And the other is greed, to get what has not become mine so far, to perhaps become a crorepati overnight.


Only the wise are able to extricate themselves from the dangerous trap, from the vicious cycle of winning and losing.




(An extract from 'Greed and Gambling Go Together' by Surakshit Goswami, an article in the Speaking Tree dated 3rd March'10)

Where is the love ?

For as long as i can remember i have always heard and read about it...the (in)glorious notions of Eternal Love - from snowhite and her prince charming...to sleeping beauty and hers and their perfect kiss of life...to all the thousands of b&h'wood movies...to all the hundreds of novels...to ayn rand even. Yes...i am coming to that...i know...its fiction.

But lets face it...how many of us would 'not' want a picture-perfect romance...a la yesteryears when the girl and the boy would wait for their true love despite being miles apart...coz they knew...and they had faith and true love ! or like kajol n shahrukh in ddlj in more recent times...or like dagny taggart and john galt (my personal favourite)....or love stories of the likes of casablanca, when harry met sally, notting hill, p.s. i love u, gone with the wind, city of angels, titanic....and i could go on n on...BUT then there is the real life. Im no longer convinced that there is love in our lives anymore...let alone the epic ones !!! 

I can prove it too.

These last couple of months have been intriguing to say the least. I have seen more than my share of broken relationships...heartbreak...tears...and 'something' innate. Honestly, this 'something' surprised me and sorta knocked me outta my wits. It was like a flash of lightening....that struck me one fine day and it all became crystal clear. 

I finally figured....that in the fast paced world that we live in today....It is all about 'convenience' (i absolutely hate this word...but it explains it best...doesnt it ?!). Love is no longer about love, togetherness, compassion, trust, admiration, happiness, contentment and the pure joy of having someone as perfect as him/her in one's life. But its been reduced to the depraved standard of convenience. 

I have seen so many couples that are together coz they happen to be in the same class / college / workplace....and the moment that phase in their life ends...so does their relationship. Many get together coz of lack of options. And then there are some who are commitment-phobic. Others like the flirts...simply dont care about anyone's feelings and change partners as they would change their clothes (n more often than not...mind u...these are the ones who will speak the loudest about love). And there are others still...who jus do it...for the heck of it. 
And then there are the likes of those...who keep fighting when they are together....and then break up and then patch up...and fight again...and insult and abuse. 

But what baffles me the most is....HOW in the world can a man be with a woman and yet claim to be in love with another one. How does it work ? How can one have someone in his heart...and another in his bed. Im told its the libido that gets the better of them...n i keep wondering....what kind of love is that then...


N here i thought...the whole point of looking for love and finding one....was to BE together....coz that special someone brought happiness and joy in one's life...making it beautiful...and worth living....and simply coz u'd want to share your life with her.

I am no expert on matters of the heart...farthest from it actually...to put it mildly ! Coz most of the times...i dont get it....neither the reasons behind the actions....nor the intentions. After a broken heart....and well some more hurt...it seems to me a vicious circle...and a very unforgiving one at that !! But what i do know is that -


'Most of us spend our lives looking for a perfect someone...someone we could spend a lifetime with. What a pity then...that we take infactuation for love...and throw away our love for a moments pleasure...'

Want to close with a line from atlas shrugged...authored by ayn rand - 
"Love is our response to our highest values. Love is self-enjoyment. The noblest love is born out of admiration of another's values."

Into the wild...

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more...


- Lord Byron

knocking on heaven's door !

He walked away 
arm in arm with destiny
blinded by the ghostly mist
he traversed the path to darkness
wish he'd taken a moment to rest

for dawn was then only seconds away




all that remains now

is a smiling face
inside a family photo collection
t'will always haunt
family and friends
did we not do it right
the anger will always moisten
did we not deserve another chance
the emptiness will allways remind
family and friends
of him and his smile...

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle...you never know how the complete picture will look untill u've got all the pieces right. And the thing is....jus when u think u've got it in ur palm....the pieces slip away....




(In the fond memory of a friend...may his soul r.i.p...)