A Fish That Wants To Explore The World

People live life in fear. It is out of fear that they worship; out of fear they get married; out of fear of insecurity they beget children. Whenever fear emerges, there is a leakage of energy. Fear creates a hurt body and it then tries to survive by quoting philosophy and logic.

We try to protect ourselves from fear through the influences of worldly life…by acquiring more money and more power. But spiritually we can insulate ourselves from fear, only if we have trust.

We were secure in our mother’s womb. At term when we were pushed out into the world, it was as though we were facing death. We experienced tremendous fear. 

(an excerpt from a Satsang by Swami Sukhabodhananda )

Roger that ?

Its back.....that uneasy....unsettling feeling...anxiety sugar coated with the overwhelming !!! I feel good...and then i feel bad....i feel happy and then....a bit sad...and then shoot off in some other line of thought !! A zillion things on my mind....a zillion things to do..my minds caught up in a game...or a fitting battle...and my heart...bitter and then...dripping with blood...

Its there....in the pit of my stomach...and i can feel it shaking....even as i write...as i do every waking second and perhaps even as i turn in bed for the 5 hours of sleepless nights....! Its great....invigorating....suggesting that the time is ripe....n the time is now...to make a move....to make a life...only...if i had said it then....i would be sound asleep....with the knowledge....and not the unkown.

He'll be back though
but ill be gone
perhaps....later
but ive got to do it now

i cant seem to bear it
not another day
of polite conversations
and unending deliberations
i need to knw
i need to get out
at the end of the tunnel lies
the promise
of a new adventure !!!
Only...

Gosh !!! i sound pathetic... (does it help that i feel so too !#&* )

The Sound of Silence

The lines are blurring...
my vision seeming to fail
his touch....its all that i know...
feel it stir my soul
and i thought i had reached him...
when the dawn slapped my face
i wake up...yes...
time to move on
but tonight...i knw
ill reach him again !

it will go on
i knw not how long
for always
or till the day i see him again
but i will not mind
if he can never be mine
for he was
in that moment
once upon a time
and perhaps it will do
for this lifetime

it was a journey
im glad to have lived
he brought back my smile
i had lost long back...
he gave me hope
and renewed my strength
what he offers
is all id ever want
and only to know he lives
happy and content

but tonight....i know
ill reach him again !

10 Things I learned in 2008

yeah...i knw it sounds more like a 1st of jan revelation.....bt what can i do....i have a screwed up clock mechanism...im jus always hopelessly late....wtf...so be it !! ;-)

back to the post now...

• Its important to network...(with like minded people !)...through workshops...seminars...exhibitions....it keeps you going....like a mirage in the desert...

• Some call it luck...i call it fate...but it pays ' being at the right place at the right time '.....most times it works better than all the planning one might put in ;-)

• No matter how much u try...u can never forget your past...you jus need to make your peace with it and move on. period.

• Everything happens for a reason....the people u meet....the circumstances in life...the highs and the lows...jus about everything....n even if they dont fit ur current scheme of things...wait a while...its part of the larger plan... (cheesy...but true...more so...coz each one of them contribute into making u the person that u are today....)

• There are no absolutes in life. (this ws the hardest....)

• Theres a whole world out there...beyond the 'i,me,myself'....and even though i woke up to it real early in life...i only just understood the full implication of what it means....perhaps to 'act' is the greatest virtue !

• Religion, caste, creed, race and to some extent even society....are only a means to divide...to instill fear and hatred...to suffocate man untill he submits to the lowest master..to 'blind faith'. i wonder how 'humanity' got left behind.....in the build up to the most moral deeds...

• Dogs are adorable...yup...i feel like ive 'converted' or sommin...i mean from being sooo scared of them to almost hating them...ive grown to love and adore them. the credit goes to PSDA...n most imp to 'gabar' and 'sheru' n more recently to banku...n even though u guys cnt read...id still like to say...thank u :-)

• For the sake of my own sanity....i need to get away...as far away as i possibly can...from people...most people....

• Im not the only one with a twisted view of the world...i have company... :-) n that my friend is the biggest revelation of last yr....a point of support...in the darkest of nights....in the deepest of sorrows....

• this one is more of something ive always believed in.....'the choice will always be mine'.....no matter what the situation....i will 'always have a choice'....and in between the right choice n the wrong choice....the refusal to act is also a choice....

:-)

yaps !!

while driving back home today i realised....that no matter what name is given to it....society / religion / faith / belief....they all...are only a means to condition one's mind...and its done almost perfectly since birth...not by one...but the collective. and i realised...that whatevr i have ever done in my life....(untill two years ago!!!) was what i was told was the right thing to do...and i jus complied....'it is only when u see more that u learn more'....now i knw !! perhaps too clearly...or perhaps its jus another of my illusion....

why ?

For the past half hour my mind has been racing over every plausible reason for this blog i've jus created...considering i already have two....which are to say the 'least' only jus 'warming up'...n jus as i ws about to give up the quest as a whim....it struck me !! n it struck me thick !!

' b'coz i need to '

yup...i jus need to...i jus need to....sort...categorize...organize... And now that i think about it...its jus not the blogs...this thing runs deeper...to the things in my cupboard...all sorted and neatly stacked....my work...all filed away into relevant folders with appropriate sub folders which further have sub sub folders and so on....and it holds true for even my thoughts !!!! i mean ofcource i dont think things in any order...the thoughts jus keep rushing through...one after the other...but i tend to process it in my mind...its complicated but somehw my mind copes up....

so essentially...when other people would think of say 'happy memories' in general....i will first categories it in my mind...yeah...there are categories...happy memories with 'family' , 'friends' , 'at work' , 'in college' ofcource family will have sub categories like immediate and distant...but lets not go into that....huh...

and thats not all...my thoughts...well they seem to be sorted too...the sub-folders are numerous...categorized by predominance in my daily life...people, events, incidences, temporary...etc...constants (sub-categorized into things that peeve me everytime & things that i will always like/love/appreciate) etc...all the way to my most treasured folder...the 'later' folder...the one folder which is my lifeline....all unpleasant thoughts....deep ones...and tedious ones go to this folder to be pondered upon at a more opportune time...and when this folder fills up to the brim....thats when i knw....and i get out..away from the maddening crowd....into seclusion...until ive lightened it...untill i have ironed the creases...seen the light...untill its all placid and safe...and then i knw....my 'later' folder has space again...and i can return...to business as usual.

i wonder if i was like this before i started using the computer !!

id prefer it to be genetic ;-)

p.s. the point is....i needed a dedicated space to put in what i will put in this blog !